Are urban kids on the edge today? This question has a lot of significance, at least in the psychologist’s office, where what is happening in society is reflected in real-time. Increasing behaviour difficulties in children is one such change that we are seeing over the decade.
Why are children more stressed today?
Children are the mainstay of the future. When the society expects the future to be more competitive, more difficult, less safe, naturally it will impel parents to gear children up for facing such a future. What these little beings are going through today is perhaps a reflection of the entire social system’s anxiety of what it expects to convolute into tomorrow. Naturally, the expectation of children is to grow up faster, be smarter, know more, and all in all be geared for something difficult where they will be thrown into oblivion if they do not match up.
And how is this being achieved? This is being achieved by having more schools, different boards (no longer just ICSE, CBSE or SSC), more expensive schools where parents have to pay a fortune in the hope that their children will be a cut above the rest. Not to mention classes. All children under 10 years of age, mostly belonging to the relatively ‘affording’ strata of society, have tried their hand at some sport, some musical instrument, some dance form and additionally, maybe some general knowledge, or some kind of a different math or self-defense class.
We often find that children have such busy schedules that even when they come in for play therapy for some behavioural concern, they find it difficult to consistently spare one hour of the week for therapy as it interferes with their list of other classes/tuitions etc.
The fallout of stress
When such heavy investments are made for the child – expensive education, classes, best sport equipment and so on – naturally, rewarding outcomes are expected. Parents watch their children with great anxiety. Children are in the spotlight under which they are expected to perform and if they don’t, parents freak out. They step in to help, with all good intentions, but the help can take the form of pushing the child, criticising and comparing the child, sometimes even physically beating the child and displacing their own fears of the future onto the child.
Children manifest behavioural difficulties primarily because they are missing out on their natural development. Nature has a way of allowing growth and development. During certain periods of life, certain psychological developments naturally take place. It takes place by meeting other children, having a lot of free play time, especially through unstructured play time where there is no binding on what they do and also very little adult supervision in terms of what kind of play is valid. Adults are naturally not as spontaneous as children and therefore structuring of a child’s playtime through adults is an impediment to growth, to say the least.
When children’s natural order of psychological growth gets impeded and disturbed by new demands being placed on them to be structured and to learn in a structured way, naturally their system revolts. The system’s revolt could be in the form of a burnout where they refuse to perform on some front (academic, vocational or social). They may show less interest in activities that they are meant to do, or they simply escape the sense of burden by escaping into excessive television or video games.
Often, children also start to act out, rebel and get stubborn in order to maintain sanity. Other children may get over-anxious, feel weak and get physically sickly.
Irrespective of which way they act out and the thwarting of their natural growth, the truth underneath is that they all feel a sense of low self-worth and guilt at not living up to their parents’ expectations. They internalise a sense of not being good enough. As psychologists we not only meet children, but also adults carrying this sense of low self-worth through their lives.
Are parents to blame? I believe not! Parents are caught up too. They are afraid for their children. They believe in the fears of extreme competition and want the best for their child and everything else they do is simply a result of this belief system. And since everyone is caught up, everyone voices the same fears; mothers talk to other mothers and find them equally worried about their children. Fathers discuss future finances for the child’s education. The fears only get reinforced.
The way forward
We need to choose wisely. As a social system and in that as individual parents, we need to really sit back and weigh the pros and cons of what bringing up healthy children really means. Does it mean giving them all opportunities and products that they need, or does it mean allowing enough time for them to figure out their growth naturally, while being supportive facilitators of the process. If you believe the only way your child will succeed in life is by getting a particular kind of job, think again. People are happiest and most productive when they have an opportunity to discover and cultivate their unique talent, and that doesn’t happen by exposing children to all possible options.
Put in a nutshell, demand less and support more is the parental mantra for happier and healthier children.