MI have been practicing and sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for the last five years.This process that has been created by Marshall Rosenberg,is about engaging with the world in a way that everyone matters and we try to find solutions which work for each one of us.
Partnership parenting
My engagement with NVC has been very inspiring and nourishing, and I have lately been offering workshops on NVC based parenting. In this, we look for ways where we see children as having the same needs as adults, and when the needs are met or not met, they create similar feelings in them as those of adults. NVC encourages everyone to come to a place of partnership with our children, where we figure out things together with them and make sure we find solutions which are meaningful and joyful for everyone concerned.
I am amazed at the ease with which children are able to receive the ideas of NVC and integrate them in their life. For example, when I was in Aman Setu School in Pune, a girl Zara, around 10 years old,when asked by her classmate during the workshop if in a particular challenging situation her need was ‘to be seen’? She responded by saying, “Yes I want to be seen, but not just from the eyes but from the heart too”. Hearing her, I saw that their teacher Nikhil immediately had teary eyes. I too was impressed by the simplicity and depth which she expressed in her statement. I believe that children do not have that many layers of past stories as adults and are able to get connected to their needs and feelings much more easily than adults.
While I was showing them how in a challenging situation they need to understand the needs of the other person too, one of the boys, Srujan asked another boy Sunil, who was hit by Aditya – “I know when Aditya hit you, it hurt you and you wanted respect, but can you try to see why Aditya hit you in the first place and what was he really wanting when he hit you?” He kept reframing his question in many ways and was trying to evoke the curiosity in Sunil to find out the needs of Aditya. I was amazed at the ease with which this child integrated the fact that in every challenging situation, we can try to look at the needs of the other person, no matter what they do. I was impressed by their capacity to learn NVC and that gives me hope for the world.
Children and their need for ‘autonomy’
I believe the biggest lesson for parents is to understand that one need that often comes up for children and is often unmet and not understood by adults is the need for autonomy or ‘power in their world’. I believe, the way the world is designed, often children don’t have much choice in deciding how to spend their day, who to spend time with, how to keep their room, how to learn, whom to learn from, when to do what they do, the choice to earn and use money etc., and all these situations create an unmet need for autonomy. Even when they want a pizza, their first need could be diversity or taste, but when they are told ‘No’ by the parent, what gets triggered is the need for autonomy or power in their world, and that’s a painful place for them as we all want to control our daily life. I believe, if they have enough supply of this need, they might be able to live with some moments where this need is not met, but if most of the day they go through the negative experience, they can get triggered easily when they hear a ‘no’ from adults. So I believe that if the parent consciously makes sure that there are enough opportunities for children to meet their need for autonomy, then they will be more at peace and in harmony with the world around them.
Finding ways that work for all
I often tell people who come for my workshops on NVC and Parenting, “If you have come here to learn NVC to just ensure that your child does home work or cleans the room, you are in the wrong place as NVC is not about getting your way done from others, but a way of interacting with anyone including your child, where we look at solutions, where everyone’s needs matter. In other words, to “find ways of doing things which work for everyone”.
Besides, it’s important for children that their needs are seen and matter to others, even if they are not met all the time. For example, when I was mediating between 12-year old Shreyas and his mom in Bangalore, Shreyas was saying that he does not like it when his mom says, “We will go to check for an ipad on Saturday” and then on Saturday she says, “Something else has come up and we can’t go today”. He said that he is frustrated and does not know what to do. The mom was explaining during the mediation that she had forgotten that she had tuitions on Saturday when she had promised him, and realised it later when the kids who take tuition from her came home. I told the mother that even if you can’t go on Saturday and have a valid reason, can you imagine how this disruption of plan is painful for your child, and can you at least acknowledge to him that you regret not being able to keep your promise? Since Shreyas was also asking me for support, I asked him also to realise that his mother had wanted to go and that the plan cancellation was not intentional. I asked the mother if she would appreciate it if Shreyas asked, “Mom, is it that you did want to go, but you forgot that there are tuitions today?” And the mother had a smile on her face and said she would really like it if he spoke like that. I asked Shreyas, “If your mom also acknowledged, “Shreyas, I see it’s difficult for you to have a change of plan and I am not happy that I forgot about the tuitions and that we did not go to check the ipad today”, would you like it? He said “Yes, I would”, and there was relief on his face.
Ask Why?
I was doing a workshop with children and parents together at Arohi learning space (www.aarohilife.org) near Bangalore. At various points, the children were moving around and talking among themselves or were not able to focus on the persons who were sharing their experiences. Someone who was there and also runs a pre-school was amazed at how I didn’t get flustered with the so-called ‘disturbances’. She said if she was there, then by the end of the day she would have a headache and would be super frustrated. I responded to her that I also at times felt challenged, but there was one key word which helped me remain at peace and that was – “Why”. What I meant was, whenever a child wants to do something which challenges me I don’t begin to think that he or she is doing this ‘just to create a problem’, but that the child has some beautiful need and I try to adjust the space so that the child’s need is considered or met. Or in other words, I look for, “Why does the child want to do what he or she is doing?” and when I find the answer to it and see their beautiful reason or the need behind their action, I am in a bit more peaceful space and am able to find solutions that all of us can live with or enjoy.
Honestly trusting your child
At Arohi one day, a ten-year old girl and her mom were standing outside the dorm at 9 pm and arguing about something. I got to know that the girl was asking the mom to put up the mosquito net on her bed and her mother was saying, “Why can`t you put the net?” or “Why should I put the net, you can also do it.” I asked the girl why she was saying ‘No’ to putting up the net? She answered – “I don’t know how to do it.” So I looked at the mom and asked her if she believes that the child does not know how to do it. The mom said yes to it. So, I proposed to the child, “is it ok that today you help the mom to put up the net and learn it, so you can put it up yourself later on?”The girl said ‘Yes’. The mom was also relaxed and I shared with them my learning from the situation that “If we can have the curiosity as to why the other person is doing what they are doing, or what’s the positive intent behind their need, then we connect better with people around us.”
Often parents ask me if they can share their real feelings and needs to the children and if the children are capable of understanding them? They are implying if they can honestly tell the child their own challenges and insecurities. My answer to this may not apply to every situation, but I tell them, “I think feelings and need and talking about your vulnerability is going to land much better than your judgments and blame, which you might often unconsciously share.” I believe that if we can share our deeper honesty and our own needs too while looking at our children’s needs, we can create a world of collaboration, self-responsibility and shared power with them.