We all know that Death is an inevitable part of life. But when a loved one goes away, dealing with the grief and the questions that arise is something we are hardly ever prepared for. Lina Mathias deliberates on what is believed as the “grief cycle” that occurs in five stages.
Recently, an elderly neighbour of mine who had become a dear friend, passed away in her sleep. This fiesty and young-at-heart woman was a cancer survivor and someone I admired a lot. When she died, I was away from the city and had not met her for a few months. I had been looking forward with all my heart to returning and resuming our tea-and-long-conversation sessions. Despite being in her late 70s she was deeply interested in the news and people and received many visits from her former students who loved her.
I was devastated by her death and even though I flew into Mumbai especially for her funeral I simply could not accept that she was no more. I even found myself mentally remonstrating with her, “How could you go away like this?” And surprising even for me, even after four months, I am still grieving for her. Or perhaps, I am grieving for myself, missing her lively company and her friendship that brought me so much comfort and cheer.
This threw up several questions in my mind. How long should “normal grieving” continue? What could I do to come to terms with her absence? Why was I so deeply affected by her death; did this indicate something about myself?
Many psychologists and doctors treating terminally ill patients have deliberated over the subjects of dying, death, grief and bereavement. They have written articles and books and several have put forth theories about these processes that are so much a part of of life. Death has been the subject of intense scrutiny for humankind, philosophers and others, since centuries. But here I am dealing only with bereavement and mourning for the death of a loved one.
A person is not dead till as long as he/she is remebered, says an African proverb. To keep our loved ones who have passed away, alive in our memories is considered praiseworthy. But the refusal to accept that the loved one has passed away, to feel anger for a long time not just against fate but even the loved one for “abandoning” one and going away, is a very different aspect.
Among the psychologists whose works and theories are well known are a few names that I will mention here. Foremost is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who wrote about the five common stages of grief. They include:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
This grief cycle or model was acclaimed and later even criticised. Kubler-Ross had to clarify that she did not mean that every mourner goes through these stages in exactly the order she has put down. There are many variations. Then there is the grief theory of Erich Lindemann who said that “grief work” spans different time periods for different people. However, the same three tasks come into play: i) emancipation from bondage to the deceased ii) readjustment to a new environment in which the deceased is missing and iii) the formation of new relationships. John Bowlby (1907-1990) was a British psychologist who with his colleague Colin Murray Parkes, worked out four stages of grief. These were: i) shock and numbness ii) yearning and searching iii) despair and disorganisation and iv) recovery and reorganisation.
These are only a few well-known theories; there are many more that are a part of the grief and bereavement works and research.
Traditionally, most bereavement counselors advocate that the troubled mourner should find meaning in the cultural rituals that follow death and that these have been honed down the decades to help say a proper goodbye to the loved one who is gone. They also advocate doing something to keep alive the memory of the deceased especially something that the person was passionate about or cared for. This could be planting saplings, initiating scholarships or annual community action programmes.
However, some psychologists favour the concept of “adjusting and redefining” a new relationship with the person who has died in order to come to terms with the loss. The idea is not either to attempt to forget or box the memory of the loved one in a separate frame in your life but to “continue the bond” with the person.
Working through our grief and bereavement is also a very individual experience notwithstanding however well researched the above-mentioned theories and processes are. How the mourner can come to terms with her/his grief also depends on the relationship of the one who is gone with the mourner left behind. The death of a child, a young person, death through accidents, due to violent crimes—all generate a different psychological, social and physical impact. But perhaps Shakespeare had it largely right when he said: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
Lina Mathias is a senior Mumbai-based journalist and former executive editor, Economic and Political Weekly.