A freelance columnist is supposed to know everything, he is a sort of ‘subjantawala’. This has its advantages and drawbacks. When he sits before his computer he must be ready to dash off articles on anything, from Alkaloid Poisons to Zymosis. Since I have been doing this for the past 25 years, I normally do not have any problems with any kind of subject. But that was before I came across ‘Inclusive Growth’.
Let me admit, I am not fond of inclusive growth because I just don’t know anything about it. But I cannot give up the topic because columnists all over the world do it regularly, dashing off pieces on topics they know nothing about. Shobhaa De thinks nothing before sending off columns on T20 Cricket, tyranny in South Sudan, latest documentary on mating habits of Walruses and whether they had anything to with the looks of some of our RSS leaders. But there it goes. Formerly it was Pears encyclopedia, now it is the Internet, where the writers delve into for information.
I also belong to this tribe, though not overtly dependent on the net. Having been in professional journalism for nearly 45 years, I thought I knew everything and that I would be able to produce 1000-word columns at the drop of a hat. But that was before Inclusive Growth came into my life and changed it forever. You can’t be a writer unless you are familiar with the strategy called Association of Ideas, which tells you to spin a yarn from nothing. So, what could be inclusive growth? Most probably a term in economics because Growth is often mentioned by Finance Ministers, Governors of RBI, Budget experts and college lecturers. Okay for a first step. What was ‘inclusive growth’? Simple, a growth which included everything. Like what? I was stumped.
This was the most exasperating moment for a columnist. Why do editors think in the way they do? They have 10000- plus topics on which they need columns — whether Anna and Kejri would now settle their differences in an ‘akhada’, when NaMo would discuss gay rights with Barack Obama, what in your opinion should be the minimum distance to be kept between legal interns and retired Supreme Court judges and so on. Ha, I could produce 1000-word columns on any of these in no time. But Inclusive Growth has become a stumbling block.
Of course, columnists were know-alls but when they were stumped for information on a topic and did not understand the Internet explanations, they descended to human levels and asked for opinions from others. I mean, just to prove they too were human. I looked around my flat and spotted my ten-month old granddaughter, who, I am told, has anintelligent look. I offered her a new toy, took her on my lap (part of child psychology) and asked her in baby talk, ‘Baby, what do you know of Inclusive Growth?” Her reply was a toothless grin, ruffling up of my hair and some vigorous spraying of her spit. But these actions gave me clues that Inclusive Growth was a positive factor, approved by the younger generation and held hopes for them. You see, the baby didn’t cry at all and gave me these clues. First round of battle was won and I was sure of 250 words on Inclusive Growth.
Who next? My eyes fell on our two-year-old family pet, the hyperactive pug, Mushu, reputed to be a canine of high intelligence who was now able to identify persons who rang our doorbell (maid, driver, bread man, baby’s nanny and so on). Why not take a chance on her? Mushu lived for two things in life, food and begging for food. The best way to lure her was to wave in front of her, menu cards. To bring her close to me, I brought two menu cards before going to answer the door bell. By the time, I returned the menu cards, they were eaten up and Mushu sported a satisfied grin. The baby and the family dog approved of Inclusive Growth which must be good. That was enough for the columnist to churn out the usual 1000 words.
[/column][column size=”4/5″]
V. Gangadhar
The writer is a well-known satirist.[/column]