What was it that attracted you to NVC?
When I was studying Pharmacy in 2010, I was staying in a house with eight friends in Nandurbar, and we had a challenging relation with our house owner. He had issues with every one except one of our housemates Rajesh, who I saw was having connecting conversations with him. I asked Rajesh, how come our house owner talks to you more cordially and can understand you better. He said, that he had been learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which helped him to talk effectively, without it being difficult for the other person to hear. He shared more of NVC in the coming days and invited me to go for an NVC workshop with Aniruddha.
The first time I walked into an NVC training facilitated by Aniruddha, I understood that everyone has feelings and needs just like I do, at the same time anger or hurt arises when these needs are not fulfilled. Our emotions are actually reflections of our needs. It was this realisation, coming through NVC, that helped me connect with myself and look at others in a different way. I got insights into the pain that could be caused to others whenever I acted violently towards them. Like if I’m not getting my father’s love, I feel angry. If I’m not getting a girl’s love, in order to get it I’m doing different things that are violent.
Now that I look back at my past, I’ve realised that I had been burying my needs inside me, but the pressure got to me and resulted in my aggressive nature. I didn’t get a lot of things in my childhood, which everyone should. As a child, I didn’t get my father’s love. He used to beat my mother. This violence that I repeatedly saw impacted me, made me resentful, and at times aggressive.
So you’re saying there were reasons for your anger. What were your experiences when you acted out that anger.
When I hit someone out in anger, in that moment I believed I was protecting myself and felt myself to be stronger and my response didn’t seem very problematic to me. But then the way my relationships fell apart, it was even more painful for me, I wondered why weren’t people understanding of me.
So the first training actually helped me understand myself. I understood that there exist different ways and strategies, that I can ask, express myself and my needs, in a better, more connecting way, and that relationships do not necessarily have to fall apart.
The training thus gave you clarity about your past behaviour, and allowed you to empathise with yourself and see their humanity. That your anger was a way for you to express yourself, but instead it had been having the complete opposite effect, leading to you to judge yourself and others.
Yes, and now I try to understand people too. When, in a conflict now, I check with myself what are my needs, and those of the person in front me.
What were the challenges and support you received in your NVC journey?
After I started practicing NVC, making changes in my behaviour was challenging. My earlier pattern was to get angry when I failed to understand people. I would get very upset, and sometimes also beat myself up. Sometimes I would hurt myself in my attempt to control my anger and not hurt the other person. Initially it was very difficult for me to pay attention to my own feelings, and if I am feeling angry, then how could I control it or bring it down?
When now when you have doubts, and you’re not able to be who you want to be, how do you deal with these experiences?
I feel guilt, shame, I experience a disconnection in the relationships, when we’re unable to communicate, during a situation of conflict. In the past though, before NVC I would’ve had an indifferent attitude, if I wanted something, that’s it. I wouldn’t really care about anyone else, just do things my way, whatever they may be.
Now though, I try to work internally, dig deeper into met and unmet needs, and focus on the challenges we’re facing, rather than just judging and blaming.
Even in the interactions we have in AhimsaGram, few times when I was triggered and raised my voice with you, I remember you trying to understand where I was coming from, you reflected my statement, empathised and at times, instead of just blasting your point, you even expressed to me that you want to be heard too. That gave me some empathy and I was inspired by your skill and capacity to be grounded in such a difficult moment.
I feel since starting NVC practice, my ability to hold understanding for other people has gone up. I would rate it at 7 out of 10. Now if I feel angry, instead of bursting out directly, I find it possible to first consider the needs and feelings of the other person, and my own, and then state my request. But if I can’t compose the request that meets the needs of the situation, then my anger starts growing. Managing my anger is still a huge challenge in my life. But I’m working on bridging the gap between who I am, and who I want to be.
Where would you like to take your NVC journey in the future?
I would like to devote my life to NVC. My whole life has changed because of NVC. My dream in life is to find a way to adapt NVC to the Marathi language and share the fine points of how it works, and how it helps you understand yourself and others, with Marathi speaking people. My dream is to take it to the Marathi community.
Can you elaborate on how NVC was life-changing for you.
I had been living a life of no dreams and aims, no sense of direction as to where I was going, but after attending NVC trainings for a few years I realised how beneficial it would be to share NVC with my Marathi community. I became aware of the violence that was building up when I was doing a job I didn’t enjoy and how I was moved enough to take a step. Before coming to AhimsaGram, I was questioning what to do with my life. I had been getting advice from my uncle, about getting a job, earning some money. This one time, I asked him that let’s sit together after having our dinner and figure out solutions. During this conversation I was able to tell him that I’m irritated with my job, there is no understanding in the relationships I have with people in the office, which is leading to anger and I didn’t want to be living a life like this. I want to do something alternative, something that nourishes me, right now it’s NVC. I don’t want to do a job and I’m leaving it.
So he asked me what exactly was I doing, what was my purpose in life, plans for future.I told him openly that I want to learn NVC, get certification, take it to the Marathi community. In this conversation, I expressed my observations, my feelings and needs of peace, sustainable life and I made a request. In the past, before NVC, I would’ve had an indifferent attitude and would’ve just declared that I was leaving the house and walked out.
While your previous strategies to express yourself, that involved anger hadn’t been working out, you now realised it was possible to communicate with people, while holding care for them and sustaining the relationship.
Yes, and this motivates me to take NVC forward, for people like me, to empower people to have more control over one’s life.
What inspires you to stay in AhimsaGram?
I have been connected with AhimsaGram since the first moment of its inception, when Shammi and I broke the coconut to inaugurate it. I feel I have contributed to starting it from the scratch. I have lived AhimsaGram’s every moment. This is what inspires me to live in AhimsaGram. Here we have our fights. When my needs are not met, I fight for them with the community, but I also solve the issues. This really inspires me, and holds me to this space. AhimsaGram is like my family – I have sisters and brothers here. It is a space where I can fight, share, cry. I can share my whole life with this family. Here you find everything you need, even without asking.
Which things would you prefer to be done differently in Ahimsa Gram?
At this point, for the most part I feel that I am okay with whatever is happening. In a community, fights and resolutions are both necessary. I would like a few small changes in a few areas. I find that I am needing more understanding between community members than what is currently there. I feel the gap in understanding needs to be reduced.
How do you see your future in this community?
In the future I want the needs of everyone in the community to be fulfilled, everyone’s feelings to be respected, each person to feel love. The community should have so much trust that if I am going through some problem in life, if I am sad, then there should be acceptance from the community. When I think of the future, I think about the ways in which we can connect so that we can share our whole lives with each other open-heartedly, give and receive what is needed freely. I dream of a time when there is so much love in the community.
I want to share an incident about why NVC continues to hold me. Recently, I had no money to attend the Nonviolent Communication International Intensive Training(IIT), in Bangalore. Shammi suggested that I raise funds through people. The way I was able to ask, the support that emerged, now that I’m here at IIT, the way I have received love, the trust, the sense of belonging… these are the things that keep me connected to NVC. I just live in that flow, and want to move with it. The way my life has changed, in the last eight years, the way I have learnt self-control and the way I have learnt to connect with others, all this is the gift of NVC. It has connected me with myself. My dreams are all about taking NVC forward and I live Shammi’s dream of having one million NVC trainers in India in ten years. We AhimsaGram members are living this dream and helping Shammi fulfill it…. and yes, we will surely do it.